The Future Is Not Prepared
by Darkglare
Summary: A time travel fic. James and Sirius are propelled into the future during Harry's 6th year at Hogwarts. Dumbledore makes arrangements to hide them at the school.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Time Travel … Oh no!

The Future is not Prepared

Chapter 1: Helpless

It was child's play for James and Sirius to breach the library after hours. Peter was with them, but unlike them, he did not need to crowd under James's invisibility cloak to remain unnoticeable. Peter Pettigrew was a very talented wizard in his own right, as an animagus.

Tonight's target was the Restricted Section. Severus Snape thought he was so clever. Well, payback's a bitch, and this was going to be as close as Snivellus ever got to a woman. Get it? Payback's a bitch? Not everyone has the mental capacity to understand the Marauders' wit, but you'll try to keep up, won't you?

Anyway, Lupin never liked sneaking into the library when it was closed, and he definitely frowned on the pilfering of anything from the Restricted Section, and they weren't here to pick out a spell that was all sunshine and daisies. Wait, perhaps they should, Snape could be deathly allergic to sunshine and daisies.

So once again, back to business, now that they were in sixth year, three gorgeous teenagers that the entirety of the female population of Hogwarts simply adored and could not get enough of under Prongs's invisibility cloak no longer did the trick so it was simply a matter of leaving Remus behind in case they needed an alibi. Moony was good at that, especially since he was a prefect. Not that they hardly ever needed an alibi, since all four were experienced with sneaking about the school and its grounds during the night.

Peter found what he thought was the perfect spell. In triumph, he pointed at the page in the black-bound heavy book that he had and announced, " _Fiendfyre_." Today was the last day that Wormtail was going to be Snape's victim, and the first day of the rest of his wonderful life. Without Snivelly around embarrassing him, he'd get as many girls as Padfoot, take up quidditch like Prongs, and hm, well, he did not want to study like Moony, but Peter was sure he'd think of something.

"Uh ..." Sirius uttered as he tried to remember why that spell was a bad idea.

"No," hissed James.

"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "We want him to live to regret ever messing with us. A pile of ash is not regretful."

"It's final," Peter argued. "We can enjoy ourselves without him lurking about. Can't you imagine it? C'mon, can't you? What about Evans?"

"What?" James automatically answered. "What about Evans? Ever since that greasy git called Evans a mudblood, they're no longer friends. Not that they were really friends in the first place. She felt sorry for the friendless, greasy git, and he couldn't help trying to kiss up to her. But y'know, his true colors finally showed themselves."

"Yeah, bloody death eater," explained Sirius. Everyone knew every Slytherin student was a death eater. Just look at his little brother. Cast from the same mold as his dark arts-loving father.

"If he's a Death Eater, we'd be doing everyone a favor killing him," Peter whinged.

"No, suffering. He's definitely got to suffer. And regret. Years of regret for ever thinking he was even worthy of lifting his wand to defend himself against our pranks," Sirius replied, looking for a better spell.

"Yeah, the whole bloody rest of his miserable, greasy life," James agreed with a lop-sided smirk. How he hated Severus Snape. James hated him more than any other Slytherin, and perhaps even more than Voldemort, since with Snape, it was personal. Prongs knew it the first day he met him on the train. He was so steeped in the Dark Arts then, it was a surprise the little git didn't sweat oil. That was the original reason why James tried to ask Evans out all the time, but eventually he grew to like the fiery witch. She had to be special, just look at how many times she told him 'no'. No one said 'no' to James Potter. He'd wear her down. It was inevitable. She may think she was safe in her knickers, thinking they were stronger than any fortress, but as soon as Snape was out of the way once and for all, James was going to begin his siege.

After a couple of false hopes were crushed by the other two, Sirius said, "Oi, what about this? This one makes him younger so he'll be a crying little baby in soiled nappies."

Peter simply made a face. How was that better than _fiendfyre_? Babies had limited emotions, and a little Snape would not know who they were, and even the ugliest baby appealed to some women. They could get into trouble, if Pomfrey or some other witch decided to defend him.

James laughed at the picture that formed in his mind. Snape would be helpless!

Having decided on their solution to rid themselves of Snivellus Slimy Slytherin Snape for good, or at least till he grew back up and was still powerless to do anything because they'd be long gone from Hogwarts, Sirius copied down the lengthy incantation and made a diagram of the complex wand movement. Wouldn't want Moony yelling at them for taking a book.

Of course, since Severus Snape is in this tale, one should consider the unexpected. Not that Severus fighting back was unexpected, but when dealing with Gryffindors, they rarely considered anything going amiss with their masterful, clever plans or the consequences of their actions. That was for lesser people, or in other words, Ravenclaws.

Impatient to cast the spell, Potter began it at the first opportunity. No one ever stopped them, so it did not matter that they did not have Snape on his own. Besides, it was always more fun to do something like this with an audience. They always cheered the Marauders because they were the heroes.

Severus had been reading when he noticed a considerable drop in the volume of conversations around him. The sheep were looking expectantly at Potter as he cast something. Since Potter was looking at him, Severus could guess who Potter's intended target was and with an exaggerated sigh, waited for the finalizing wand movement of whatever spell Potter was attempting to cast, and flicked his own wand to the side with a hissed _protego._ Potter's spell flashed off his shield charm. Dunderhead.

"Oi!" cried Sirius. Dirty rotten Slytherin! He grabbed Prongs's arm to pull him out of the way, but it was too late.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 2: A Paradox is Born

"Whoa!" breathed James. Everyone around them had disappeared. Only Sirius was with him in the courtyard.

"What a git!"

"What do you think happened, Padfoot?"

"Cheating, lousy, greasy -"

"No, I meant where is everyone?"

"Evil git must have blown them all up."

"I think it was only a shield charm," James corrected his friend.

"It's still no fair. We had a perfect spell, and he blocked it."

"Uh yeah, but now what?"

Sirius turned to look at James beside him and announced, "We get even."

"Focus," James replied. "We need to find out what happened."

"Who cares? When we find that slimy git -"

"Maybe we should check with … Remus," James thought for a moment of Dumbledore, but then thought maybe things weren't so bad. He shouldn't jump to the conclusion that they made a big mess of things right off.

"Where do you think he is? Library?"

"Maybe we should head up to Gryffindor tower. Someone's bound to be there."

"I suppose," Sirius replied, barely agreeing. He was bored, and a walk up to the seventh floor was not what he had in mind to take care of his dilemma. Wait, where were their bags? "Bloody hell, our stuff is gone."

"Lovely."

"C'mon. Maybe Wormtail took it back up for us."

"Least he could have done."

The sixteen year olds had almost reached the seventh floor, when a familiar brogue yelled, "Why aren't you in class, Potter?"

James turned and refuted, "What class, Professor?"

"Who's that with …?" Minerva started, but then she realized it was not Harry Potter she was addressing. Changing the tone of her voice, she demanded, "Come with me now. Before you're seen."

"What?"

"Be quiet, Black. You both need to see the headmaster."

"Um, if you don't mind me saying," James started, then threw politeness to the wind when he couldn't think of a polite way of saying it, "you don't look well, Prof. McGonagall."

"Not now, Potter. Hurry along. Classes are about to end, and I don't want either of you hanging about the hallway."

"What day is it?" Sirius asked. That must be why everyone had left. It was a different day.

"Prof. Dumbledore would be in the best position to answer your questions."

James was concerned since McGonagall looked years older, but Sirius was imagining how this could be turned to their advantage. Maybe this time, Snape would be expelled.

Of course, by the time they reached the stone gargoyle, James had become more worried about the grin on Padfoot's face than anything else.

"Cherry Ripe," was the odd password given by Prof. McGonagall.

James never saw anything named that at Honeyduke's, and he'd been going there since he was a toddler. Cherry was one of his favorite flavors.

Not quite noticing the difference with his visitors, Albus offered, "Lemon Sherbet?"

"Albus, I found these two wandering the halls."

"Harr … Oh. What is the reason for this … Mr. Potter? Mr. Black?"

"Something went wrong with a spell, professor," James explained. "We were in the courtyard with a whole bunch of people, then we were alone. Something must have happened that we lost or gained some hours or days because it wasn't until we ran into Prof. McGonagall that we were told we were missing class."

"Missing class?" the headmaster repeated to clarify the problem.

"It was Snape," Sirius declared.

"Severus Snape? What does he have to do with your current situation?"

"He cursed us," Sirius explained. Curses were the very worst spells one could cast on another, short of the Unforgivables.

"Severus Snape cast a spell on you on what date?"

If it was one thing the Marauders did well, and actually was the secret of their success, they stuck together, so James silently agreed with Sirius that Snape might as well take the blame for this, and answered, "September 19, 1976." He then added, "A Sunday," to explain why they thought there was no class.

Albus and Minerva exchanged a glance, before Albus speculated aloud, "If Mr. Snape cast a spell on you in 1976 which removed both of you from Hogwarts, it may be possible that all the witnesses forgot since that may be the beginning of a paradox … however, Severus should be aware of the spell as the caster. He's never made any mention of it."

"Why should he, if he got away with it?" Sirius blithely dismissed. If Snape got away with it till now, why would the greasy git confess?

Minerva shook her head, "That can't be, Albus. We are both aware of both of them beyond 1976."

"It's no longer 1976?" James asked.

"1996," Albus answered. "I suspect something was done in your own time to pull you back to the exact moment this spell was cast. However, let's take a look at it. Maybe there's something I'll see that will strike me, and I might be able to reverse it."

"Look at it?" James repeated.

"Yes, I can take your memory of it, put it in the pensieve and see the whole spell."

"Uh ..."

"Snape cast it nonverbally," Sirius explained.

"Wand movements perhaps," Albus speculated. "I am considered to be somewhat good at magic, you know."

"He did not do much."

"A spell powerful enough to propel you forward twenty years is a bit more than a flick of the wrist. Perhaps you did not see it, but in the pensieve, I'll be able to see everything, even if you were facing the other way."

Normally, Sirius would agree that Snape would cast things at their backs, but since that was not the case here, he did not want to share the memory.

"Perhaps we should skip to looking for it in the restricted section of the library," James suggested.

"Why the restricted section?" Albus inquired, growing suspicious. He doubted Severus accessed it as a student. It was more likely he borrowed a book from a fellow Slytherin to learn such a spell. Though throwing someone twenty years into the future did not sound like a spell Severus would normally cast. However, if he had been doing that, and was the only person aware of it ... though none of this made sense. Both Sirius Black and James Potter continued to exist in 1976, and Albus had no recollection of retrieving them. If Severus got rid of them, why would he bring them immediately back?

Minerva snorted, "That'll be the day that either of you are allowed in the restricted section."

"I'm going to need to see that spell," Albus insisted, holding his wand aloft. He could ask Severus about the curse, but first he wanted to see the casting to try to understand what was cast. It sounded similar to the fairy stories about people innocently partaking of some food or drink during some festivity and returning to their families decades later. The Princes were not a family noted for fey blood, but it was possible it was some hidden talent of Severus's, rather than a curse.

"I may have struck my head when I fell," Sirius explained.

"This is serious, Padfoot."

"That is my first name."

"No, I mean, we got to get back, and we're going to need Dumbledore's help."

"Why? I mean, what's so bad about now? My parents are twenty years older and that much closer to the grave."

Albus cleared his throat, and informed them, "You cannot stay here as James Potter and Sirius Black. They've had lives since 1976."

"Right, I've read about that," James explained. "Remember in _Martin, the Mad Muggle_ when he got 'hold of a time turner and ran into himself? If we run into ourselves, there could be trouble."

Both Minerva and Albus knew that was the least likely problem they'd face. They needed Black and Potter put back before they found out anything that would change their fates. Simultaneously, they both grew very concerned about Harry. If James did one thing different once he got back, Harry could be wiped out.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 3: Disappointment All Around

Albus shook his head, disenchanted within the memory. How could these boys lie so believably, even when their very lives and much more were in danger? Potter cast the spell, and apparently, Black knew what the spell was from the look of predatory glee on his face as he watched Severus in anticipation for the result.

Emerging from the pensieve, Albus was even more frustrated that neither boy showed remorse at their lie, now obviously exposed.

"What was the spell supposed to accomplish?" he asked, dreading the answer. If it was powerful enough to shoot individuals through time, the original spell could hardly be considered benign.

Sirius shrugged, "Eh, you know, make someone younger."

"Are you sure? James?"

"I'd have to look it up, professor. I think it was to take twenty years off."

"If only there was a spell to make someone appear twenty years younger," Minerva scoffed.

Trying to comprehend what they had in mind, Albus took a moment to verbally express what he thought they were saying, "You wanted to take twenty years off Mr. Snape's life? None of you were twenty in 1976."

"So?" Sirius complained. "Maths never was my strength."

Minerva asked, "It was their spell? Not Severus?"

"No, Severus blocked it, and it rebounded back into the two of them. Where did you find such a spell?"

"In a book," Sirius answered, apparently not chastened that his lie was exposed.

"In the school library," James added. He knew what the headmaster had tried to say, but it wasn't like they were trying to kill Snape. Snape may claim that, but he always exaggerated and got all dramatic.

"The restricted section?" Minerva prompted. "You cast an unknown spell from the restricted section at another student?"

"For a bit of fun," Sirius corrected her. Really, the woman had no sense of humor whatsoever. Then or now. It always went better for the Marauders when the headmaster sorted things. "So considering it's 1990-something or whatever, I guess you can't expel Snape? What about the Wizengamot? You still hanging round that lot?"

"Why would I do that?" Albus responded.

"'Cause Snape's a no-good Death Eater."

"A Death Eater? Who told you that? Severus Snape is no more a Death Eater than I am."

"Oh," James said, catching on, "you took care of that fellow? I knew you would, professor. Everyone panicking over that Voldemort killing people."

"I'm afraid I am unable to give you any information regarding that dark chapter in history."

"Oh come on," Sirius erupted. "If you tell us things, then when we get back, we can tell you back then. It'll save time."

"That's not how this works, Mr. Black. You have put yourselves in a very dangerous -"

"Not us. Snape. It's all his fault," Sirius repeated. Really, had old age made Dumbledore hard of hearing?

"As I was saying," Albus said in a threatening tone, "your actions could have killed Mr. Snape. It is fortuitous he survived, but now you are both in a difficult position. Time magic is tricky and could have disastrous results. We'll need to find that spell in the library. I need to hide you here at Hogwarts until it can be reversed. I can lock you in a room -"

"No way," denied Sirius.

"For how long?" James demanded.

"Or I can cast a great number of spells on the two of you to disguise you among the students, and also to keep you from speaking about your personal past and unable to comprehend current events."

"What about Snape?" Sirius repeated. They were going to be prisoners while Snape got away with something again? This was intolerable.

"I can ask him what he recalls about that day."

"You know the address of the rock he lives under?" Sirius casually asked. If they could get out of Hogwarts, maybe they could have a good time pestering old Snivelly. Probably fat and bald now.

Albus chose to ignore that insult, and started, "Now you'll have to be transfer students, and not from a European school due to recent events … hmmm."

"A school with a good quidditch program," James suggested.

"Both of you be quiet. Albus, you know not to place them in Gryffindor, correct?"

"I suppose you are right. That would be too tempting for your students to start investigating their background, and I do not want that. Slytherin would be out of the question also."

"Ugh."

"Eeewe."

"I think Filius would handle this better than Pomona," Minerva suggested, relieved that Albus did not idiotically think Slytherin would put up with these two's antics for more than five minutes.

"I don't know. Can the two of them fool Ravenclaw?"

"Of course," Sirius claimed. "I have opened a book or two, you know."

"Yeah," James agreed.

"How about California Conjuration?" Albus suggested.

"You expect them to get into Ravenclaw saying they went to California Conjuration?" Minerva asked incredulously. "It's not even close to Salem with its standards."

"True, but their different approach to some studies does not necessarily make it a substandard school. Maybe the boys are here to finish their education because they were not challenged enough there."

"California?" Sirius repeated in a disgusted tone. "I can't talk like one of those provincials."

"There's spells for that, and your appearance. Let's see, I might have a catalogue here with some younger models from that fabulous robe place in San Francisco."

"They'll have to take Divination," Minerva reminded the headmaster. That was her main objection to California Conjuration. Divination was THE core subject. The staff she had met at a seminar a few years ago were barmy in a way even Albus could not imitate.

"Luckily, we only offer one course per year for that so you chaps should act like you are quite advanced.

"Now let's see, I can't exactly copy the models since someone may ..."

"You are the only one from England that shops there," Minerva stated. From here, she could see the bright, lurid colors and loud prints on the pages.

"Please, Minerva, I want to get creative."

Initially, Sirius laughed at James, and James laughed at Sirius. Then, they started to wonder what the other was laughing at.

Albus was pleased with the results. Minerva was simply pleased that she would not be breaking up fights in Gryffindor tonight.

"Ah, I think that last spell should do it. I've established your new identities with a magical shift so your mail and such should not go amiss. You," Albus said, misleading them into thinking they were currently alive and receiving mail, pointing at James Potter, "are now Paul Newman. And you are Robert Redford."

"Fer shur," came out of James's, or Paul's, mouth.

"As if," came out of Sirius's, or Robert's.

Minerva made a face and asked, "Can't they speak a bit more normally? They'll be difficult to understand with that atrocious accent."

"Totally," the boys both said in agreement.

"This is the way young people in that part of the world speak," Albus stated.

"Whatever."

"I am totally not like speaking like this."

"Worst accent ever!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 4: What Now?

Without James Potter or Sirius Black around to tell their audacious lies, Severus actually got a chance to defend himself when Peter Pettigrew accused him of getting rid of the two fat-headed, egotistical dunderheads to the headmaster. All he cast was a shield charm, if they were messing around with a spell they did not fully understand, whose fault was that?

The Severus Snape of 1976 was lucky compared to the one in 1996, who was about to have two new students in his Defense against the Dark Arts sixth year NEWT class.

Hermione was already aware that there were new students since she took her prefect duties very seriously. She was looking forward to meeting them. Hopefully, their impression on the different method of magical education between the two countries would be stimulating. Hermione had no doubt of it because both boys had sorted into Ravenclaw.

She was disappointed when neither of them were in her Arithmancy class. Hermione tried to find out more about them from Anthony Goldstein, the male Ravenclaw prefect in her year that was also in Arithmancy, however he vaguely replied that it would probably take them time to settle down and get to know them better. He alluded that their move to Hogwarts may not have been voluntary since they were complaining about everything.

Hermione already knew what was wrong. Ravenclaws. They weren't exactly a welcoming group. Not like Gryffindor. She would be happy to help them both out and get acclimated. In fact, she could already imagine how much time they could spend together in the library.

When she lined up with the others outside Defense, Hermione looked about trying to catch sight of them.

Mandy Brocklehurst and Morag MacDougal arrived to join the queue and shared with the other Ravenclaws, "They lost us twelve points!"

"What?"

"From Firenze!"

Padma looked confused at that, then answered, "Well, isn't Divination their main focus, rather than regular magic?"

"I hope so because if they start goofing off like that in this class, there won't be a single sapphire left in our hourglass."

Hermione was unsure of what to make of this gossip. They liked Divination, and got Firenze to take points? What would they make of Trelawney? Hopefully, Padma Patil had it wrong that Divination was their favorite subject. If they only just got here, she probably had no idea what they really enjoyed.

The arrival of the new students was preceded with the sound of raucous laughter and the shout of, "So like you get your hair cut by like a dog groomer?"

Pansy Parkinson arrived and marched past the line, hissing to herself.

One of the two was still answering, "Like totally," to the other when they arrived.

The new students looked odd. Their skin was a uniform golden toasted color, their straight teeth were blindingly white, and their dirty blond hair with plenty of shining highlights, even in the dim corridor, was long, yet it was artistic in its unkemptness.

The broader one stopped, and looked aghast as he pointed in Hermione's direction, "Like, oh my god, does this one even like know what a hairbrush is?"

The second one stopped, lifted his upper lip as he stared, equally shocked, and replied, "I know right?"

"Should like shave it off and start over."

"Totally."

"Oi!" interrupted Ron.

"Ugh, another one. Like no mirrors where you from?"

"What?"

"That's not very nice," Harry commented. Hermione said something at breakfast about transfer students. Maybe someone had hexed them to insult everyone they met.

"Shut up, dork."

"What?"

"His hair's like pretty messed up too."

"Not like her. Worst. Hairstyle. Ever."

"For sure."

"Silence," Prof. Snape announced, his voice carrying, even though he was coming from an unexpected direction, rather than from within the classroom.

The headmaster had summoned him for a little chat. Severus knew it was not going to go well when Prof. Dumbledore cheerily opened with an off-color joke, uniquely his own.

"A jelly baby goes to the doctor's.

"It exclaims, 'Doctor, I think I might have caught a sexually transmitted disease!'

"The doctor answers, 'Don't be silly. You are a jelly baby.'

"To which the jelly baby explains, 'I know, but I have been sleeping with Allsorts!'"

Following that nonsense was a question about a spell he blocked from James Potter in 1976. Severus blocked so many spells from Potter and Black that none were particularly memorable.

The headmaster's persistent questioning for close to ten minutes regarding a single spell was aggravating. Perhaps if the old coot had done something twenty years ago, there might have been one memorable spell, rather than a daily struggle to avoid pain and humiliation.

Severus doubted that was the last he would hear of the subject, however he currently had a class to teach … with Potter.

Some dunderhead chose to ignore his command for silence and he heard something that sounded like, "Whoa! Like seriously epic buzzkill, dude."

To which someone else answered, "Like totally."

"Take your seats without discussion."

Two unknown Ravenclaws were staring at him in slack-jawed fascination. Prof. McGonagall had said there were two transfer students from California Conjuration this morning. Transfer … obviously a lie. No one transferred to Hogwarts. What was the headmaster up to now? Were these Order members in disguise? From their behavior, possibly. Why not place them in Gryffindor to guard Potter more closely? Their gormless looks would look natural in Gryffindor.

When Severus glanced at his class roster for their names, he almost visibly shook his head in disgust. It was difficult to restrain that impulse especially since the headmaster had such a high opinion of his own cleverness.

Since the two could be adult wizards, Severus asked them to pair up for another exercise in nonverbal magic. This class was dismal and if these two new 'students' did not pay attention, someone could end up in the infirmary.

"Newman, Redford, you two pair up this time." He was unaware that the two had already insulted and alienated the rest of the class so they would not have many clamoring to partner with the new kids. Severus added, "By the way, here we do not perform magic skyclad."

There was some snickering at Prof. Snape's comment about skyclad magic. Everyone had already assumed these two were from the United States by their inferior way of speaking. The comment also distracted Hermione from her thoughts. Newman and Redford sounded awfully familiar, but where had she heard those names before?

Ron was insistent on working with Hermione today, so Harry faced off with Neville.

Things did not go well, right from the start. Hermione and others caught out of the corners of their eyes that Newman and Redford were casting whispered spells at others in the class, whenever Prof. Snape was occupied with correcting someone else. Some students started casting spells back at them, but they appeared to be proficient with _protego_.

Harry had not noticed since he was waiting to shield himself from Neville, and was concentrating on his fellow Gryffindor as Neville's forehead furrowed and he made rocking motions to try to force a nonverbal spell out to hit Harry. Harry was waiting for him to finally lose control and whisper the incantation, rather than mouthing it.

Having delayed long enough, Severus loomed over Longbottom, hissing, "Longbottom, are you so incompetent -?"

"Longbottom!" hooted one of the new students.

"Like what a lump of lard!"

"Totally. As much of a retard as his father."

"Worst. Wizard. Ever."

"No duh."

"I know right?"

The two of them chuckled over their comments, unaware of what had happened to Frank Longbottom.

Even Slytherins were surprised by that rudeness. Others in the class, who were not privy to the story of Neville's parents, but knew that Neville lived with his grandmother, were shocked too. Neville's face grew immediately red, but Harry was more surprised at the way Snape's head whipped to glare at the rude Ravenclaws. Normally, he reserved that sort of snake-like motion to strike at Harry.

"Silence." Severus was more unsure who these two were now. Why would Order members insult Frank Longbottom? To gain the trust of Slytherins? That was too idiotic an idea. Insulting Potter would be easier. Perhaps they were new? Recent Gryffindor graduates that Dumbledore gave this assignment to protect Potter? He added, "Two points from Ravenclaw." Neither of them seemed concerned at losing their house points.

His black eyes scanned the other students before he announced, "Switch partners. Since you appear to enjoy pseudonyms, how about Elvis here," Harry was not surprised that he was singled out, but that Snape called him Elvis, "pair up with Redford, while Rocky," Hermione was insulted to see Prof. Snape point at her, "pairs with Newman."

Hermione realized where she heard Newman and Redford before. Those were famous actor names. And two new students at Hogwarts were using them … and Prof. Snape did not care if he exposed them, nor that someone might realize that he knew muggle names by saying pseudonyms. As she moved to where he indicated, she thought it funny that he called Harry Elvis, but why did he call her Rocky?

Facing her new dueling partner, Hermione asked, "What's your name again?"

"Paul Newman, but it's not like I'd ever go out with you. What's with like that gnarly hair? Do you even like bathe? Pee-you. Even like a bag over your like head wouldn't do it."

Hermione huffed. She was not asking him out and she definitely did not stink. And another thing, he didn't even look one-tenth as good as the real Paul Newman. Even an older Paul Newman. Without further discussion, Hermione decided she'd be casting the nonverbal spells while Newman attempted to block them and flicked her wand to cast the first one.

Harry answered the question 'So your name's Elvis?' with "Sure is." He had no doubts that this fellow knew who he really was, but at the moment, Harry did not care. That comment about Neville's dad was uncalled for.

"The rest of you, resume your practice," Severus called, before physically steering Longbottom by the shoulders to face Weasley.

"Cast a shield spell, Longbottom."

"Uh, out loud?"

"Yes."

"Uh, all right … um," Neville did the wand movement sloppily while incanting, " _Protego._ "

Severus was placated that Longbottom at least remembered the spell, but when cast so weakly, it would hardly stop anything.

"Cast it more forcefully and move your wand quicker. You'll never block anything that way, Longbottom."

Malfoy spared a jealous glance towards Longbottom. What a waste to teach him anything. Worthless lump's wand would probably go flying out of his sweaty, pudgy hand if he ever got into a fight. He already hated the new students too so didn't care if Potty and the mudblood or the American idiots got hurt.

Meanwhile, Ron tried to concentrate on the instructions he just received. He had to cast something slow, at both Neville and Snape, who was standing right behind Neville, so the git wouldn't get hit with anything because Neville was large enough to shield him.

Neville's instructions were equally simple. Block the spell. But bloody hell, Prof. Snape was standing right next to him. How could he do anything right under this sort of pressure?

Ron was about to cast a jelly legs jinx at Neville when Snape twisted and barely moved his wrist to cast a fast _protego_ in the direction of the new students.

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw. Ten points from Gryffindor."

"What?!"

"Silence. Resume casting at your partner only."

Ron cast a jelly legs jinx aloud, as requested. Neville's wand came up to begin the shield spell, but Snape's had already finished casting it, held out so it was within Neville's line of sight next to his own wand.

"Cast it faster, Longbottom. You need to complete it before the spell reaches you."

Prof. Snape's wand twitched again as he blocked an errant spell from Newman that was aimed at either himself of Longbottom. Newman made a face, then got hit with a stinging hex from Granger right in the nutsack.

"Totally like no fair," declared Redford, shooting off a nonverbal spell at Granger, who blocked it. Since Harry was paired up with Redford, he saw no problem with casting his own stinging hex, targeting the center of his forehead.

Malfoy cast his own stinging hex at Potter's rump.

As open warfare erupted, Prof. Snape warned, "Settle down." Severus cast a nonverbal, modified _finite incantatum_ that did not include Redford, Newman, or Potter.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw. Five from Gryffindor."

"Bitchin'."

"Another five from Ravenclaw for profanity."

Ravenclaws were fervently hoping that Prof. Snape would get these two expelled, but they weren't good enough at casting spells at him, or even Longbottom, to do more than lose a lot of points.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 5: Solemnly Swearing

Neville emerged from Defense being steered by the others since he was still mentally stunned that Prof. Snape had cast shield charms to protect him from those horrible new students. Neville would make them pay. He was sure of that, just when, how, and where were in question.

Hermione was already spelling out the situation, "They have to be people that Dumbledore is hiding in plain sight. Though why he would give them names like Paul Newman and Robert Redford, when any muggleborn, or even Prof. Snape, know they're obvious pseudonyms ..." 

"Wait, Snape?" Harry interrupted.

"Yes, he knows they're fake. I don't think he knows who they really are, Elvis."

"What did he call you?" Ron asked. He didn't understand any of this.

"Never mind, but it's not a good plan because they're not even trying to act like normal students, even if they are pretending to be from the United States. If they can get Firenze to take points, I bet any class they're in will be disrupted for the rest of us."

"So you think Snape is acting against Dumbledore by trying to expose them?" Harry asked, trying to get back to that.

"I don't think Prof. Snape needs to do anything. They're horrible people. They insult everyone they see, without even being introduced first."

"Right," Ron agreed. He still owed them for insulting Hermione.

"I don't care who they really are," Neville said. "We should do something about them."

"I agree," Harry said. "They started casting spells at anyone who wasn't looking their way, before we even switched partners."

"Holy crap," Hermione said, stopping on the stairs.

"What?" Ron asked. He wanted to get to lunch.

"Ravenclaw's lost all their points."

There were no sapphires in the Ravenclaw hourglass.

Albus sat with his head bowed, thinking he felt a headache coming on. How could two normally wonderful boys be causing this much trouble? Filius wanted them out of Ravenclaw and out of Hogwarts, and all suitable arguments were useless, unless he confessed that these two were in mortal danger and needed to stay here. Their behavior made it likely anyone would probably like to strangle them. Even Poppy took points from them, besides Hagrid and Firenze. Ravenclaw lost every point they had within hours of Black and Potter joining them for classes in disguise.

He got a meeting together of his staff, and explained, "It's simply high spirits is all."

"No, it's not," Minerva argued. "They know you will do nothing about them, and count on it."

"And, headmaster, they are not doing a decent job at hiding their origins, rather than pretending they are from another country," Severus added, agreeing with Minerva, "because they call out students based on who their parents are."

"What do you mean, Severus?"

"They referred to Frank Longbottom as the worst wizard ever to Neville Longbottom."

"If you could tell us who they are and why they need to be protected," Pomona Sprout countered, "perhaps we'd understand better."

"No, we wouldn't," Severus argued. "Whoever they are, they don't belong among the students. I've seen them cast spells at them, while their backs are turned."

"The students are attacking Newman and Redford?" Albus asked, trying to clarify the situation.

"No," Severus denied, "Redford and Newman are attacking students. Not only in class during exercises, but in the corridors, on the stairs, and in the lavatories."

Horace nodded, "They are out of control, Albus. I think you should lock them up somewhere for their own safe-keeping, before every other student decides to take matters into their own hands, point loss be damned."

Harry, Ron, Neville and Hermione were all in agreement that these new students were not obnoxious American students because even Americans could not be as bad as these two. Hermione felt, which the boys disagreed with, that they were overacting their assumed roles so she had to look for them on her own. After not finding them anywhere, she asked Harry to borrow the Marauder's Map. It may be that the Ravenclaws had them locked up in their tower, and either Luna was not telling, or didn't know, when Hermione asked her.

Ron muttered something about knowing where those two were for their own safety, since no one was safe around them. He was angry about having to act like a prefect earlier, saving some first and second years in the toilets after an encounter with Redford and Newman.

That had led to an argument with Hermione because she claimed it was something Fred and George might have done, but Ron didn't think his brothers were that cruel, considering it was Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors stuck and almost drowned in the rising tide.

Ron also got hexed when he confronted them, besides getting mocked for having wet trousers. He hated them. He might actually hate them more than Draco Malfoy. Now there was evil for you, growing to hate two people so much in two days that he'd consider teaming up with Slytherin scum.

No, no, no, that was wrong, very wrong … Ron was now interested in finding out where these two were and getting some people together to kick their asses. They dueled too well to be students, so Ron was going to need help. He knew he could count on Harry and Neville, but Hermione may be a problem with her theory that these two imposters were only acting this way. Yeah, and Severus Snape fancied Honeydukes Tooth Flossing Stringmints.

So for different reasons, Ron and Hermione asked Harry to look for Redford and Newman on the Marauders' Map.

Harry didn't like them, even if they were Order members in disguise trying to get in good with the Slytherins. They could have called Harry four eyes or something else, rather than picking on Neville.

His finger traced around Ravenclaw tower first, looking for their names, before touring the corridors, passing over students, teachers, ghosts and Mrs. Norris, while he searched for them or two names that didn't belong. Harry hoped the map would show their true identities because he couldn't think of a single member of the Order, not even Dung who'd steal the knuts out of your pockets while your body was still warm, could be as heinous as these two insufferable gits.

From upside down, Ron couldn't make out the italicized squiggles near the Whomping Willow so pointed, asking, "Who's that?"

Harry focused and sputtered at _James Potter_ and _Sirius Black_ before tapping the parchment, and croaking, "Mischief managed."

"What?" Hermione asked. "Was it them?"

"No," Harry denied.

"Who was it?" asked Ron.

"Hagrid. Who else would be strolling by the whomping willow?" 

"I thought it was two sets of little feet."

"No, two big feet," Harry denied.

"Did Hagrid have a date, and you don't want to tell us?" Hermione guessed. She would be very disappointed if Hagrid was not faithful to Madame Maxime.

"Fang," Harry improvised, not sure if he had seen Fang on the map, but could recall Mrs. Norris being everywhere she wasn't wanted.

"What about Redford and Newman?" Ron asked. "We need to find them. For all we know, they're beating up first years to get our password and already in Gryffindor tower."

"You know, Ron," Harry said, acting like he was thinking, which he actually was, thinking quick. "I don't think they're out to kill me. First off, Dumbledore let them in the school-"

"Yeah, and so's Snape and Malfoy."

"Professor Snape," Hermione said in the middle of Ron's answer.

"Yeah," Harry replied slowly, still trying to think of something.

"And Barty Crouch and You Know Who on the back of Quirrel's head," Ron added. As far as he was concerned, Dumbledore didn't keep anyone out of Hogwarts.

"But they're not sneaky," Harry lied, knowing no one had a good reason for heading over to the whomping willow. "They're starting fights with everyone."

Hermione nodded, and said, "And if Prof. Dumbledore wants them here -"

"Maybe they _confund_ ed him. Dumbledore hasn't sacked Snape, and he's had plenty of chances."

Harry nodded because even if he couldn't name the chances the headmaster had, he'd like to see Snape sacked, along with everyone else.

"If we can't find them on the grounds with the map, that means they're out of bounds," Hermione reasoned. "Ron and I are prefects. We can go to the headmaster with our suspicions and see what he says. Prof. Dumbledore may share with us who they are, if it looks like we're going to stop them from doing their mission."

His mouth twisting at the thought of these Newman and Redfrod being entrusted with anything, even with knowing who they really were, Harry felt he'd have a better chance with Dumbledore himself during one of his private lessons. He knew their real identities, and now he'd have to hide the map from Ron and Hermione because he couldn't let them find out who they were.

The strange thing was, Harry had some pangs, but didn't feel it was a good idea to approach Newman and Redford. They had already made it clear they didn't favor Harry Potter. Sirius and James weren't trying to be his friend, which might be good because Harry didn't need the rest of the school as his enemies because he palled around with two people that could give Draco Malfoy lessons on being rude. However, he would like to know his father, and reunite with Sirius.

"I should speak to Dumbledore," Harry declared.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Well, he has been giving me these lessons, and maybe if I shared our observations with him, he'll think I'm using my head, like he's trying to teach me."

Hermione nodded, "We have been wrong in the past."

Ron turned and looked at her, and complained, "Because no one tells us anything. If someone listened to us, things'd go a hell of a lot easier. Like someone's trying to steal the stone, there's a bloody, giant snake in the pipes, and never trust Snape."

"Ron," Hermione warned.

"Ron's right," Harry said. "We've found stuff out, and when no one's listened to us, it got worse. So if I act mature, and share what I know, say something like we're worried, then I'll hear what Dumbledore replies, and maybe we can use it, or he can do something about those two."

What Harry really wanted to believe was the map was wrong. Remus said the map was never wrong, but in this case, Harry didn't want his dad and Sirius to be these two people.

***

Since Dumbledore was already dissembling with offers of tea, candy, sandwiches, and talk of quidditch, Harry came right out and asked, "Why are my father and Sirius Black here at Hogwarts?"

Albus gave his lemon sherbet an extra long suck before replying, "Whatever could you mean, Harry?"

"Robert Redford and Paul Newman, the alleged transfer students from somewhere in America, are James Potter and Sirius Black."

If there was one thing Albus was good at was magic. He cast a spell making it impossible for those boys to say who they were, they also would have a mild _confundus_ effect if someone said something about Harry or Voldemort so they would not be able to understand, respond or repeat it, once they were returned home.

Albus knew Harry was resourceful, along with Hermione Granger, but he suspected the identities were exposed by James Potter and Sirius Black. Those two were trouble, in any year, and they were not mature enough yet to weigh the consequences of their actions.

As far as Albus could tell, after exposing Severus Snape to Remus as a werewolf, they had not learned their lesson, and attempted to take twenty years off the life of a sixteen year old student. A second murder attempt for which neither seemed the least bit sorry. If Albus did not need them returned to 1976 as soon as possible, and in the same state they left it, he might do something.

Speaking to Severus did not help, because he exaggerated that the Gryffindors he schooled with constantly endangered his life and tried to murder him.

"Nonsense," Albus answered Harry.

"I don't believe you."

"Think it through, Harry. Both are dead. There is no reversing death."

"I was kind of hoping they were imperfect copies in some way. They're huge gits."

"It'll take time for them to adjust. California Conjuration -"

"Is that even a real wizarding school?"

"Of course."

"And they do their magic skyclad?"

Albus's mouth dropped open before his slight hesitation to answer that. True, there were some wizards and witches in the New World that practiced a more natural form of magic, but none of his staff had reported that the boys were stripping to cast spells. "Sometimes, but they were asked to refrain from that here. Our winters are harsher."

"Did you bother to ask them to refrain from anything else?" Harry asked. "No one can stand them."

"They are a couple of good-looking chaps, so there's sure to be some jealousy, Harry, but I thought you'd be above that sort of behavior."

Harry made a face, and refuted, "I'm not jealous of their looks."

"They're only boys, Harry. Just like you."

"No, they're not. They're nothing like me. They jinx and hex anybody who turns their back on them. They don't even know any of us."

"It's simple high spirits," Albus explained. "No one gets hurt."

"Huh? Just because no one is bloody dead yet doesn't mean they're not trying!"

"Language, Harry."

"You're going to let those two do whatever they want? You don't think someone in Ravenclaw has the bollocks to pick up a wand? They lost every point they had because these two are out of control."

"Harry, there is no need to use such language or to exaggerate. This does not concern you."

"Oh, so if they jelly legs me on the stairs, and I fall down them, and break my neck, then I can make it my concern?"

"Why would someone do something so reckless?"

Harry threw his hands up in the air, and asked, "What do we need to do? Walk sideways with our backs against the walls and our wands out to cast shield charms? Cast a bubble head charm before going into the gents' because we don't know when a high-spirited toilet is going to erupt in our faces?"

Albus studied Harry. Had Severus cast a _confundus_ charm on Harry to make him say such things? It was unfortunate that Harry knew the identity of their two visitors, but they certainly posed no danger to the school. 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 6: As If

After confessing to Hermione and Ron that Dumbledore wouldn't admit anything or give any good advice, Harry decided to follow Newman and Redford with the invisibility cloak to find out what they were up to. Maybe if he could help them finish their mission, Dumbledore would send them back.

Harry was puzzled by what they were doing. And in addition to that, they seemed to be speaking in code words. Harry began to believe the sound of their voices caused him actual pain.

"Epic! Did you see it, Paul?"

"Gnarly, dude!"

"That was so, like, oh my God!"

"Bitchin'!"

Transfiguring the Hufflepuffs' after-dinner desserts shouldn't warrant this much self-congratulation. What were they really doing?

Harry continued following the two of them.

It looked like they had their own duplicate of the Marauders Map now. That couldn't be good. But until Harry caught them doing something _really_ bad, Dumbledore wasn't going to listen. Unless this was some sort of crazy test of the headmaster's that he had for Harry? Harry certainly didn't see it as some kind of joke.

Harry didn't think so because Newman and Redford were heading in the direction of the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom.

He paused to check his map. Prof. Snape had a few students with him. Harry guessed detention.

For a brief moment, Harry considered returning to Gryffindor tower. He didn't want to be anywhere close to whatever was going to happen. Harry should have learned that lesson when they found Mrs. Norris hanging like a taxidermy model. Harry's luck kept putting him in the wrong place at the wrong time, so heading towards any potentially incriminating situation should be avoided.

But Harry did not turn and walk away.

He had his invisibility cloak, and if his father and Sirirus didn't care that he had been following them all evening, Harry didn't see how it would matter now.

The Defense classroom door was a smidge ajar for Harry to confirm students were writing lines for Prof. Snape's detention. Not the kind of lines with terrible quills carving 'I must not tell lies' into their hands. Even Snape wasn't that evil a git.

Harry drifted towards the sounds of giggling around the corner.

He was disappointed by the giggling. It was one thing to talk in code, but the tittering laughs kind of telegraphed that they were up to no good.

"Like totally!" one of them said.

Harry didn't want to credit that phrase to either James Potter or Sirius Black.

"As if," was equally mysterious reply.

"Best. Prank. Ever."

Harry frowned. He wasn't keen on their pranks. They were no Weasley twins.

"Oh, why, we got to totally pause here."

"Total buzzkill."

"No, we got to do it so it'll be like 'oh my God, totally sick'."

"Seriously."

Harry crept past their hiding spot.

They weren't hiding particularly well in their Ravenclaw robes that they had somehow made … California Conjuration style? Harry didn't know what to call it. Their trainers were huge, untied, high tops. One of them wore red and the other orange. Their trousers were both rolled up to expose their bare, woolly blonde-haired shins, and also sagged below their waists. Even though every fellow's uniform shirt came untucked, theirs looked artfully arranged along with their loosened neck ties.

However, Harry was not jealous of their looks. Dumbledore was completely daft on that point.

"So you like remember the wand movement?"

"Duuuu …. uh!"

Harry threw himself into the wall and of the way at the last second as someone almost collided with him. He had been so intent on piecing together what Redford and Newman were up to that he hadn't seen Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecomb coming down the hall.

"Yo!"

"Hey!"

Oh now they sent out their mating cry which could have warned Harry that people were coming.

Cho clutched her library book firmly to her chest and did not look at them.

Marietta speeded up to put distance between them.

One of them lurched out of the niche and grabbed Marietta's long hair.

She shrieked.

Cho's wand was out.

Newman and Redford already had their wands in hand.

Harry was about to cast a disarming spell when a door banged open down the hall.

"What is going on out here?"

Snape. Harry edged along the wall. Even invisible, this was the wrong place and wrong time situation he worried about.

The predatory grins on Newman and Redford's faces halted Harry's progress on vacating the area. Why were they so happy?

Redford's wand began a complex movement while Newman cheered him on. "This is totally going to be it."

Since no one ran, Prof. Snape found the group standing in the hall easily enough. "Ah, a gathering of unruly Ravenclaws. Do you believe having no points will result in no punishment? There are plenty of things for you to scrub in this castle. And no amount of foolish wand waving or silly incantations is going to prevent that."

Redford's wand thrust at Snape was punctuated with a "Bitchin'!" from Newman.

Wow. Harry was impressed with how fast Snape nonverbally shielded himself. He hadn't even seen Snape take his wand out.

The spell rebounded right back into the pranksters. But Redford's declaration of "Whatev -!" was cut short as they suddenly disappeared with a twinkling flash.

Harry gasped.

Snape looked in his direction and hissed, "Potter."

Oh no.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter 7: Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well

 _'Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.' Voltaire_

Harry hadn't offered any excuses.

He'd been in this situation before. Wrong place. Wrong time. And he hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't past curfew. It was a public hallway in the school. He hadn't cast a single spell.

Yet here he was seated in the headmaster's office after being marched up here by Snape.

And Prof. Dumbledore dismissed Snape, even though Hogwarts two new 'transfer' students were now missing.

"Sherbet lemon, Harry?"

"No." Harry glanced towards the door through which Snape had recently exited the office. "What about Sirius and my dad?"

Candy clacked in the headmaster's mouth before he shrugged. "I suppose they've been returned to when they belong. You're still here."

"But … what if … what was wrong with them? Why were they acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like complete morons!"

"That may be your interpretation, Harry, and may I suggest it's rather harsh?"

"Harsh? What was that spell that Snape-"

"Professor Snape."

"He blocked a spell. What were they trying to do?"

"Who can say?"

"It couldn't have been anything good."

"Alas Harry, you seem to have taken this little bit of misadventure the wrong way."

"Oh, was that going to be on all our death certificates if they stayed any longer – death by misadventure?"

" _Finite Incantatem._ "

"What was that for?"

"I believe you may have been suffering under some lasting ill effects, Harry."

"You think my dad cast something at me? Or Sirius? They acted like they didn't know me."

" _Finite Incantatem._ "

"What do you keep casting it for?" Harry tried to pull a longer piece of hair into view to confirm it was still black and looked down at his clothing.

"Just verifying my wand movement."

"Is this some kind of joke? It's not funny."

"Harry, the point of life is to enjoy it. Simply existing –"

"Simply staying alive," Harry corrected him. "Though if I can crash the big party Ravenclaw will throw as soon as they learn these two are gone, that'll be worth it."


End file.
